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Dear EMMS:
I was thinking you could do some sketches about robots. One funny idea would be a robot that ends up to be as smart as a human, and the human ends up working for the robot. Another would be where a guy wakes up and everyone is a robot but him, and they look at him as an outcast. Or how about a robot that becomes president? The list is endless. Really. I have pretty much nothing to do all the time but come up with this stuff. Please use some of it, OK? Please?

Rod Serling
In the smoking section
Heaven

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To Whom it May Concern

Mind your own business.

Us.
Lurking in the shadows, MN

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Dear Mr. Monday Morning:
I found some gum under my seat at your show. Normally I wouldn't even notice such a thing but I was hiding under the seat at one time because I was frightened by that guy who plays the guitar. They say music hath charms to soothe, but I'm just scared shitless!

Josh Janek
The Hague, Netherlands

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Dr. Show

How will the current writer's strike affect you as an improvisational comedy troupe? What I mean to say is, will you find yourself flipping through the channels aimlessly, looking for something decent to watch, or maybe rediscover a classic gem on DVD? Or will your ability to improvise allow you to watch Big Brother without a trace of irony? I know I can't, but I'm not so good at improv.

Tom Brokaw
A nice cabin away from the world

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Dear Sirs:
Last week I came to see your show, and brought a nice tuna salad sandwich made with some diced sweet pickles and celery. I also added just a dusting of cilantro. I know some people don't like cilantro, but I enjoy that earthy flavor, only in small doses though. The man at the front desk asked me to refrain from bringing outside food into the theatre, so I asked them if they could sell me a tuna salad sandwich, and I could save the one I brought for later. Not only did they have no tuna salad sandwiches, but they had no refrigerator in which they could store my sandwich unitl the performance was over. All ended well however, as I sold him MY sandwich. He wasn't going in to see the show anyway, and I used the money I got to have a tuna and cilantro party after the show!
I was disappointed that you did no sketches about either of these foods. Who can I talk to about correcting that situation?

Yours truly,
Garth Hammar

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Dear Sirs

I was framed.

Mona Lisa
Death row

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Dear EMMS:
I love comedy. I often repeat jokes to myself over and over again. Some people refer to me as that weird guy in the corner cubicle, but I know I'm just big boned.

Phillip, not Phil please
Smokton, ME

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For Immediate Release:

This war we are currently engaged in is not about oil. Too many people use that as an excuse, just because we happen to be an oil-driven nation run by oil-rich elitists. Sure, it seems a bit strange, but take a moment and think about it. If we really wanted the oil that bad, why not just invade the Alaskan shore line? Operation Sea Lion Freedom! But nooooo, you liberals sure know how to forget cataclysmic ecological disaters when they're not convenient, don'tcha? Ain't no baby seals in Iraq, but does that satisfy you?

Capt. Hazelwood
Back in the bottle

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Dear Sirs:
I like your dating show sketch. Can you get me a date? I wrote a song in which I sing all the elements on the periodic table, except the lanthanide series, because that would make me seem like a nerd.

Yours Truly,
Enid Poindexter

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Dear Jew Run Media

I just read the Torah as part of my court mandated sensitivity training. We're gonna wind up ging through the whole "old" testament, from the looks of it. Well I'll tell you right now what I told George Lucas, and I'm trying to tell Peter Jackson. Prequels don't work. Nobody cares. You know why we have a B.C. That's when the story got good. Wine, weddings, temptation, betrayal, apocalypse, and not all that daytime soap begatting. Gimmie a good car chase, or maybe one tough prophet who doesn't play by the rules, maybe you'll convert a few folk. And add back pork. You lost a lot of folk to pork.

Mel Gibson
Hollywood, CA

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Dear Sirs:
I like political humor. Like, yesterday, some guy on the bus said George Bush was stupid. Boy, did I laugh. Can you use that?

Thanks,
Emily Dickinson

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Dear Sirs:

One day I hope to direct.

Yours truly,
Cameron St. Dakota

The MFA program
Ashland University
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Dear Local Constable:

I was recently taken ill with a case of the grippe, though my physician initially feared it was yellow jack fever. Oh. dear! Luckily, it was not, and a mustard plaster and a good leeching took care of my malady, and I am once again fit as a fiddle. I recently donned my best bib and tucker to take in a theatrical presentation of this "Early Monday Morning Show" which I expected would be akin to the very pleasant pantomime I saw at London's Coventry Gardens Theatre a few years ago. Stuff and nonsense! I saw a group of ruffians engaging in such ribald tomfoolery so as to make a sailor blush! My question to you: is there a club in this area where I might meet some men who want their photographs taken while naked?

Yours Truly,

Phineas Huffington, Esq.
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Hey, folks!

You know what really has the taste that you just can't waste, and is better for you, too? New Olestra spreadable topping! Lower in calories, saturated fats, and higher in cleansing benefits! A unique flavor that's going to make you forget butter, and goes with anything your favorite spreads go on! It's even vitamin enriched!

Your colon
Looking for an answer
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Dear Sirs:

My mother took me to your show. I like the singing but it all sounded sort of muffled. Speak up, weiners.

Warmest regards,
Eddie the Fetus
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Dear Vagrant:

What are you doing? Those magazines aren't free. If you want a Slurpee, I will sell you a Slurpee. We have some very nice hot dogs and Slim Jims, but do not read my magazines without paying. Vishnu will grant me patience, but do not think I will let you read for free. Where is your mother? Where is your father? Do they know you read without paying? Get out, or I will call the police! You do not want that, I can assure you. Stop reading!

Brad Smith

Imitator of Ethnic Stereotypes
Ames, Iowa
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Batman

Why you frontin'? You got you new Batmobile all tricked out, wit you Bat Rims, and you Bat Bling, like thems Batarangs and them Bat Buckles on you Batbelt. You's all tricked out like, "Look at that Big Bad Bat Mutha..." Then Supes shows up from the burbs and you all like "Hmmm." You goes in the shadows being all dark and mystavious, but I knwos you frontin'. Why, Bats? You think some punk ass only got enough Jeri-curl for his forehead gonna embarass you? Like he too white bread, an everyone gonna know you white bread too? You Bats, man. You'd give KryptoWhite street cred, know wha'm sayin'?

Clark Kent
Metropolis
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Dear EMMS:

Last week I was at your show and you asked for a suggestion of a place two actors could be, and I said "in a bathroom." Even though you didn't use the suggestion, I thought it was pretty funny and wanted to write a movie script based on the idea. I'm asking that you refrain from mentioning a bathroom in any of your shows until my movie becomes a big hit. Thanks

Doug Dubine
Rope, ID
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Brothers:

You take the good.
You take the bad.
You take them all,
And there you have
The core Yin /Yang principle
In the Tao of Mrs. Garrett.

Shirpa Jo
Mt. Eastland, Tibet
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EMMS

I don't know if you heard, but apparently CLUELESS is a remake of you.
That's what I read. Which one of you is Paul Rudd?

Frank Churchill
England, VT
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Dear Sirs:

Did you know that Lucky Luciano was granted a presidential pardon for
organizing the mafia to help defend U.S. shores during World War II? I
did. Does that make me better than you? I await your answer.

Salvatore Concarni
Hoboken
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Early Monday Morning Show:

I was expecting comedy. I was expecting improvisation. I was
expecting a little more than 30-minute recipes, though less if you
subtract time for commercials. I did, and must admit the zucchini
almond bread wound up just a shade underdone. Your cute and perky host
would be wise to account for those of us who TiVo our early Monday
morning shows, then speed through the commercials, letting us know to
pull our bread from the oven, but not if we're skipping over your
sponsors, at which point we should wait an addition 2.33 to 4.67
minutes. I am very disappointed that your regular cast was nowhere to
be seen, my bread was ruined, and few laughs were to be had. I did
appreciate the interview with Judd Hirsch.

Gladys Pipkin
Lake Springs, NV
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Doomed Citizens of Earth!!!

Did you know you can lower your mortgage in 5 simple ways? Write back
to find out how!

Lotagza Sa'ankuri
7B Rim Nebula
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To Whom It May Concern:

I think I love you. I've been dwelling for days on it, but am not sure
how to admit it to myself. Sometimes it's just so hard being alone,
that when you find that person who has enough in common with you to
even try and make it work, fireworks go off. Big fireworks, as scary
as they are beautiful. I only hope you feel the same, even if only for
this night.

Glen Tarrington, Regional Sales Director
Drunk at the end of the bar
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Dear Heloise,

I never believed your letters, until a similar thing happened to me.
It was a hot summer day, and I was working a construction job to pay
my way through college. The secretary on site was as eye catcher, to
say the least. I couldn't believe it when one day, in front of the
whole work crew, she invited me to a private lunch in her trailer
office. As the moments before lunch ticked closer, I started reek the
sweat of anticipation. Luckily, in a pinch, I remembered your hint of
a quick rinse with a damp paper towel and a sprinkle of baking soda.
Our "break room" fridge had the baking soda, and thankfully I was able
to avoid an embarrassing situation. Thanks!

Joe Gilder
Ottawa, Canada
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Sparky:

Big fan of yours, been to all of your shows! I said hi once at the
Joke-Splosion! In Silver Spring, and got you to sign my take out menu
last summer when you played the weekend at Wings & Zings! over in
White Marsh. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I've seen some
other comics doing your material. Very disappointing.

Melvin Fieb
Rosedale, MD
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Dear Sirs,

Real original idea for a gag. How about a sports column by "Hah Hah
Hum Haisen"? Better yet, if people don't visit your site, threaten to
shoot that dramatic prairie dog that everyone keeps forwarding around!

Sincerely,
New Issues of National Lampoon
Publishing Hell
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Sirs:

I once faught a 500 pound gorilla. I did. Wait, is it faught, or
fought. Neither one looks right. And now I'm seeing extra r's in
gorrilla. That can't be right. Damn, that hairy bastard knocked my
sense of spellling out of my head, I supose. Gonna have to get
secretery to start taking dictacion. Then think about what I've lost
as I curl my toes in the soft fur of his hyde, lieing on the floor of
my den.

Jane Goodall
F#%(ing 120 degree Africa
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Dear Americans

Keep calling us "surrender monkeys." Enjoy referring to us as
roll-overs, or cowards. Keep yourselves distracted from how much of
Canada is French. As soon as we get Prime Minister Brown on board,
we're taking the Dakotas. It is Brown, right? Ohhhh, this is gonna be
easy.

The French
France
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Neighbors to the South

Ignore France, and get back to ignoring England, right? Thanks to the
fine folks of SCTV, and their subsequent work on STRANGE BREW, we were
able to buy our independence from England in 1982. It rounded out to
aboot a half a million pounds, but worth it, eh? Also, we've seen the
Dakotas, and we've got enough of that kinda thing up here.

Jim Lahey
Nova Scotia
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Dear Sirs,

I am putting together a youth theater camp, and was wondering if it
was possible to trouble you for some help. We're putting on a "skit
night," and want to do something different from the usual fare of
Firesign Theater, out-of-context scenes from some of Sam Beckett's
work, and the ever popular "Wine Bar Follies." Many of the children
have trouble learning their lines, so we were thinking your "Three Old
Men" bit would be perfect. Do you have a script you could send? No,
seriously, is there a script?

Nancy McKeon
Lake Veronica
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